Footprints

I kept walking,
Away from myself,
Away from you,
Unsure of direction,
My heart and soul blue,
I kept walking.

The night,
It got darker,
My eyes weeping,
Never knowing why,
My mind sleeping,
I kept walking.

The wind,
Shards of glass,
Tearing through,
Cutting me apart,
The pain only grew,
I kept walking.

The silence,
Heavy like my heart,
Howling in my ears,
Deep, like pain,
Moist, with tears,
I kept walking.

And you,
Cold, distant,
Silent, smiling,
I wept, I cried,
Tears shining,
I kept walking.

and so I was hated...

"Get out, Let us live our lives..."

The voices ringing through my ears as I walk back to myself, to my loneliness. I am passing through a myriad tunnel, like passing through time, people swooshing by me in jittery lines of various colors, suns and moons playing tricks with my eyes, feelings playing hide and seek with my heart, and thoughts playing around my mind, and I wonder... is that all I stand for? Is that all that I mean to the world? Is that all I am?

I don't know if I will ever get an answer to that, and I am not sure if I shall live long enough to wait for one. But, now I do realize something for sure, I am hated. I cannot be a part of life... not even my own.

How could I be blind to that all this long? I keep running away from myself, how can I expect others to stay? There's no point looking for an answer to that one, because there doesn't exist one. Its just that I am hated, and I guess I must live with it. But one thing is for sure, I do miss everyone, I miss myself, and my loneliness too.

My Definition of Life... Revisited

Sun and Rain and Smiles and Pain,
Nights and Days and Gloom and Glaze,
Quill of Feather and Edge of Knife,
Yes, my friends, That is Life.

Sitting at the shrine of solitude, at the bottom of my own heart, I was going over these very lines of mine. Pondering, wondering... what made me write these? Is this really what I feel about life? The answer, though hard to find, was sure lurking somewhere in the deep recesses of my heart itself, and I resolved to find it.

I got up and started walking, feeling the walls with my hands... looking for answers... The walls felt all cold and hard, rough... almost bruising my fingers. A chill started taking over me... it was getting difficult to walk. And I started wondering, where is the sun, the smiles, the days, the glaze.... where are they all? Is it that I have never been happy in my soul, that I have never smiled from my heart? Somewhere, there has to be a little warmth, a little softness. But where?

As I kept wondering, forcing myself to go on walking, I stumbled, and fell. I couldn't get up anymore. My body wouldn't respond. It felt like I had been packed with kilos of ice... I tried to keep breathing, to keep my eyes open, to avoid the darkness that was closing in, to stop the blue clouds that were forming all around me, getting denser and heavier. Shadows... dark shadows... darker than the darkness around me, started emerging from the walls and moving towards me... I tried to get up, to run, to keep them away... but I couldn't. I was getting weaker, and weaker. The walls of my own heart were closing in on me, trying to crush me... and I couldn't stop it.

But then it's my heart after all, so why couldn't I? I tried, but then I realized, I had run away from myself long back, my heart was not my own anymore, we were strangers to each other. My own heart was trying to kill me. But why?

Illusion

Here I am, sitting in the shadows... of my own dreams. I am trying to hide in here, hiding from the world, from people, from myself. And thus, from the shadows, I am trying to observe the world around me, and see if it means anything to me, if I mean anything to it.

But as it seems from here, the world doesn't even exist. Its just an illusion, a kaleidoscope of illusions in fact. I see people, and yet they don't see me, I hear them talk, but its not me they are talking to, I feel them around, but they don't even notice me.

And yet again, a doubt creeps in, is it the world thats an illusion? Or, is it me? Is it that the world doesn't notice me? Or, is it that I am oblivious to it? I try to probe into myself to find out the answers, but I can't. How can I? I have been sitting here hiding from myself. I try to return, to the world, to myself. I emerge from the shadows, looking around for myself, hoping that he would be looking for me too. But...

Blue

On a high, I sit and watch things around me. My demented mind seems to be making multiple interpretations of everything around me, right or wrong not being the question at all.

The blue light and the songs seem to be augmenting the experience of it all. And as I keep looking at the source of the blue light, I can feel myself rising and drifting... up, up... right into the blue bulb, and suddenly everything around me disappears into a voluminous ambiance of blue light.

All around me, its just blue. I have no idea of the physical state, its neither solid, nor liquid, nor gas... nothing that physics can explain. It just seems to be something thats flowing all around me, and even through me. I am in the world of my mind... my own mind... which I seldom peek into.

A bleak world it is, various shades of blue engulfing everything around. But, I wonder, why is it so? Why is it that every other color, every other feeling has been totally purged out of my mind? Why is it that I can see or feel nothing but an emptiness... a solid kind of emptiness, something that hits with full force right across your soul, shakes you up to the very roots in a single impact. Or is that loneliness?

Now this might seem an entirely funny feeling, how can I be lonely with the best of my friends and so many people around me? Loneliness is not physical at all. Its the absence of people, not from the real world, but from the mind and the heart. Its the absence of people who I can talk to, who I can confide into. Its the absence of that someone that I have been waiting for so long.

But then, again, why is loneliness such a difficult feeling to cope with? After all, I always have at least one person to talk to, one person to confide into, Myself. But its difficult to talk to myself. The other me, the one that I want to talk to, has hidden himself under the thick blanket of the blue loneliness that fills every corner of my mind.

There... I see something move.. and there.. and there too. Its everywhere... its me.. trying to break away, trying to break free from this loneliness that has engulfed me. I will be free. I shall be free.

Full Circle

Its funny, and clichéd, but you realize the importance of something only when you lose it. I think I have lost something too... I have lost the capacity to feel, I have lost the capacity to be happy, or to be sad. And I miss it a lot.

There are moments, when I want to cry, to feel the tears on my cheeks, to let it all flow out, and give my aching heart some relief, but I can't. And now, I am caught in a vicious circle of pain. I am in pain, you see, and I can't cry, which causes me more pain. Its all welling up inside, I don't really know how it will come out. I am afraid that someday it will burst forth, engulfing all thats around me, destroying all the tender threads that hold my life together, that bind the various pieces of my existence into one, and I'll crumble into naught but dust.

And that dust, will dissolve into the wind, leaving not a trace of my existence, no one to remember me, or even notice that I existed once, and that now I don't. But that leads me to another question, does anyone notice me now ? Does it matter to anyone now, that I am alive ? I guess not. I guess is doesn't. And here I think, why should anyone notice either ?

And then the answer boils back to where I began... I can't feel. No one notices me because I can't feel. No one notices me because I don't notice anyone, or thats what everybody else thinks. But is that true ? No it isn't. Its not that I don't want to feel, its just I can't.

I guess at some point of time, everybody goes through this... emptiness. How can one not ? Although we are all different beings, living in worlds that we have created for ourselves, that has defined boundaries which no one can cross or alter in anyway. Within this world, everybody feels, unknown to others, unknown to themselves sometimes. Eventually, all the feeling seems to stem from just one feeling.. Pain. Its pain that causes us to be sad, desperate, to want to cry, and the absence of pain that makes us happy, hopeful and to want to laugh. And then, when one realizes this, the pain fills up his whole world, purging everything else, removing all other feelings, creating a huge emptiness, within which one can feel nothing but pain.

I think thats what I am passing through. I may think that I cannot feel, but actually I can. The only problem is that I can feel nothing but pain. But this unending thought leads me to yet another question.. What is Pain ? Why is it so powerful ? Why ?

Pain, is just an emptiness, lack of all other feelings. It seems to be going round and round, pain causes other feelings, and the absence of all other feelings causes pain. But I guess thats the only way I can explain it. And the reason for that, for not being able to explain what it is, is just one - I cannot feel.

An Apology

First, an apology to th readers to keep them waiting for this long, but the fact is that the turn of events actually prevented me from getting time to introspect.

Its said that the nightingale pierces its bosom with a thorn to sing, how else can it sing ! Well, in my case, I didn't have the thorn to actually pierce my heart with...

Lets keep it short, the apology is here. Accept it please.