Full Circle

Its funny, and clichéd, but you realize the importance of something only when you lose it. I think I have lost something too... I have lost the capacity to feel, I have lost the capacity to be happy, or to be sad. And I miss it a lot.

There are moments, when I want to cry, to feel the tears on my cheeks, to let it all flow out, and give my aching heart some relief, but I can't. And now, I am caught in a vicious circle of pain. I am in pain, you see, and I can't cry, which causes me more pain. Its all welling up inside, I don't really know how it will come out. I am afraid that someday it will burst forth, engulfing all thats around me, destroying all the tender threads that hold my life together, that bind the various pieces of my existence into one, and I'll crumble into naught but dust.

And that dust, will dissolve into the wind, leaving not a trace of my existence, no one to remember me, or even notice that I existed once, and that now I don't. But that leads me to another question, does anyone notice me now ? Does it matter to anyone now, that I am alive ? I guess not. I guess is doesn't. And here I think, why should anyone notice either ?

And then the answer boils back to where I began... I can't feel. No one notices me because I can't feel. No one notices me because I don't notice anyone, or thats what everybody else thinks. But is that true ? No it isn't. Its not that I don't want to feel, its just I can't.

I guess at some point of time, everybody goes through this... emptiness. How can one not ? Although we are all different beings, living in worlds that we have created for ourselves, that has defined boundaries which no one can cross or alter in anyway. Within this world, everybody feels, unknown to others, unknown to themselves sometimes. Eventually, all the feeling seems to stem from just one feeling.. Pain. Its pain that causes us to be sad, desperate, to want to cry, and the absence of pain that makes us happy, hopeful and to want to laugh. And then, when one realizes this, the pain fills up his whole world, purging everything else, removing all other feelings, creating a huge emptiness, within which one can feel nothing but pain.

I think thats what I am passing through. I may think that I cannot feel, but actually I can. The only problem is that I can feel nothing but pain. But this unending thought leads me to yet another question.. What is Pain ? Why is it so powerful ? Why ?

Pain, is just an emptiness, lack of all other feelings. It seems to be going round and round, pain causes other feelings, and the absence of all other feelings causes pain. But I guess thats the only way I can explain it. And the reason for that, for not being able to explain what it is, is just one - I cannot feel.