Footprints

I kept walking,
Away from myself,
Away from you,
Unsure of direction,
My heart and soul blue,
I kept walking.

The night,
It got darker,
My eyes weeping,
Never knowing why,
My mind sleeping,
I kept walking.

The wind,
Shards of glass,
Tearing through,
Cutting me apart,
The pain only grew,
I kept walking.

The silence,
Heavy like my heart,
Howling in my ears,
Deep, like pain,
Moist, with tears,
I kept walking.

And you,
Cold, distant,
Silent, smiling,
I wept, I cried,
Tears shining,
I kept walking.

and so I was hated...

"Get out, Let us live our lives..."

The voices ringing through my ears as I walk back to myself, to my loneliness. I am passing through a myriad tunnel, like passing through time, people swooshing by me in jittery lines of various colors, suns and moons playing tricks with my eyes, feelings playing hide and seek with my heart, and thoughts playing around my mind, and I wonder... is that all I stand for? Is that all that I mean to the world? Is that all I am?

I don't know if I will ever get an answer to that, and I am not sure if I shall live long enough to wait for one. But, now I do realize something for sure, I am hated. I cannot be a part of life... not even my own.

How could I be blind to that all this long? I keep running away from myself, how can I expect others to stay? There's no point looking for an answer to that one, because there doesn't exist one. Its just that I am hated, and I guess I must live with it. But one thing is for sure, I do miss everyone, I miss myself, and my loneliness too.

My Definition of Life... Revisited

Sun and Rain and Smiles and Pain,
Nights and Days and Gloom and Glaze,
Quill of Feather and Edge of Knife,
Yes, my friends, That is Life.

Sitting at the shrine of solitude, at the bottom of my own heart, I was going over these very lines of mine. Pondering, wondering... what made me write these? Is this really what I feel about life? The answer, though hard to find, was sure lurking somewhere in the deep recesses of my heart itself, and I resolved to find it.

I got up and started walking, feeling the walls with my hands... looking for answers... The walls felt all cold and hard, rough... almost bruising my fingers. A chill started taking over me... it was getting difficult to walk. And I started wondering, where is the sun, the smiles, the days, the glaze.... where are they all? Is it that I have never been happy in my soul, that I have never smiled from my heart? Somewhere, there has to be a little warmth, a little softness. But where?

As I kept wondering, forcing myself to go on walking, I stumbled, and fell. I couldn't get up anymore. My body wouldn't respond. It felt like I had been packed with kilos of ice... I tried to keep breathing, to keep my eyes open, to avoid the darkness that was closing in, to stop the blue clouds that were forming all around me, getting denser and heavier. Shadows... dark shadows... darker than the darkness around me, started emerging from the walls and moving towards me... I tried to get up, to run, to keep them away... but I couldn't. I was getting weaker, and weaker. The walls of my own heart were closing in on me, trying to crush me... and I couldn't stop it.

But then it's my heart after all, so why couldn't I? I tried, but then I realized, I had run away from myself long back, my heart was not my own anymore, we were strangers to each other. My own heart was trying to kill me. But why?